


Closet Heterosexuals

by orphan_account



Category: South Park
Genre: Gen, Post-Skank Hunt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 05:09:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8131631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Rumors start to fly about Kyle's potential relationships with Cartman or Stan, and Tweek and Craig welcome Kyle to the life of a closet heterosexual.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I mean no harm to people who feel passionately about Kyman, Style, K2 or Creek. I enjoy all ships.

“Aw, look, honey, it’s Kyle!”

“Aw, hey, Kyle!”

The mockery in Craig and Tweek’s voices was not wasted for an instant on Kyle. He had no idea why South Park adults had wanted them to date so badly. They were both rude, and Craig was a bad influence as far as turning Tweek into an equally gigantic asshole. Kyle had been the one to defend them. He’d researched yaoi for them just to prove the Asian girls’ drawings _didn’t_ mean they were gay (also, Kyle seemed to be the only boy in the grade who knew to trust Google before turning to Stan’s dad for advice).

What thanks did he get? That syrupy tone of voice that makes every sentence sound like “he’s so gay” with a smiley emoticon.

He did have to give them credit. No one knew how to make a ten-year-old boy feel awkward for being a closeted heterosexual like Craig and Tweek. At the same time, it would really only require an ounce of empathy to realize how shitty this situation was for Kyle. Craig sold empathy by the gram, however, and he was clearly loving the shift in everyone’s attention.

The news had spread throughout the school like a lice outbreak. Kyle had been spotted crying over a photo of Cartman – rumors were circulating as to the cause, but anyone who had seen Cartman in school knew the boy was in bad shape (and he also looked really sad). On top of that, Wendy had broken up with Stan. He was officially in the spotlight, and a million speeches wouldn’t be enough to push the attention way.

He settled for the classic “fuck off” before turning his attention back down to the snowy pavement.

Craig and Tweek exchanged a look, and this time Tweek gave Kyle a supportive smile. “We’re going to help you.”

Kyle groaned loudly. “I don’t need help choosing between Stan and Cartman, okay?” He’d heard all the arguments. The general consensus seemed to be that one of them was an asshole and the other wasn’t so Kyle was faced with a pretty easy choice. Only Kenny had sat with Kyle for hours while he ranted about the two of them and listened without any kind of irony.

It wasn’t like he could or wanted to talk to Stan or Cartman, and Kenny had been there from the beginning. Kyle didn’t have to plead with him to believe that he hadn’t spent his whole childhood pining over Stan. Kenny had seen it. He’d seen Kyle and Stan team up like it was them against all the idiocy in South Park, and he’d watched as their “us against the world” view morphed into brotherhood, then normal best friends, and finally a level of distance where they referred to themselves as “best friends”, Kyle thought, mainly out of habit and lack of other options.

Cartman, though. Even Kenny thought the idea of it was hilarious, and he was supposed to be Kyle’s support system. They joked fondly about the various times Cartman had tried to kill them (and, honestly, the times Kenny and Kyle had tried to kill Cartman), but when the time came to explain how Kyle had cried for Cartman because of basic human remorse, Kenny just fell silent for a minute before he finally said the words Kyle loathed to hear:

_I wouldn’t have cried for him._

That was the real problem, wasn’t it? Anyone who got upset for hurting Cartman had to have something wrong with them. Even if they’d broken all his stuff for the wrong crime, he’d still committed enough unpunished crimes to warrant smashing his laptop.

Something had changed. Kyle could remember laughing for hours when Cartman was diagnosed with HIV and later breaking all Cartman’s stuff _by himself_ for infecting him with the virus. It was much more difficult to pinpoint than his feelings for Stan because, gay or not, they were love. Cartman was, to put it gently, a stinking pile of excrement that had been left in the sun for hours and was swarming with flies. Kyle would like to cut Cartman out of his life entirely, in fact, but only in his most resolute moments had he ever actually been able to leave Cartman behind.

Kyle’d saved him from getting raped by Snooki once. What had Cartman called him? “His little monster”. Maybe Cartman was _Kyle’s_ little monster.

Or maybe Cartman should shotgun a can of piss and go back to Juvie.

“Hey,” Craig interrupted Kyle’s thoughts. “You’re not doing any good by staring wistfully at the ground and thinking about them.”

“That’s not what I was doing!”

Craig and Tweek sat down on opposite sides of Kyle, and he wondered angrily if they’d planned this conversation. “Look, you have a few options here. Don’t stress out about it too much.”

Kyle frowned at Craig. He wasn’t sure if Craig and Tweek were really equipped to give advice on matters like this considering they decided it was easier to pretend to date rather than make the town sad. “What fucking options do I have?”

“Well,” Craig looked at Kyle very seriously. “Do you know how much money people give gay kids? I’m basically paid to hang out with my best friend.” He paused and gave Tweek a smile that was at the relatively genuine end of the spectrum. “And after I’m done hanging out with Token, I can always watch Red Racer with Tweek!”

“Filter out all the options that involve dating one of them.”

Tweek spent a great deal of time chewing on his lip in nervous thought before he finally offered a suggestion. “You could always do what Craig and I were going to do.”

Kyle glanced up at him, slightly intrigued. “Yeah?”

Tweek nodded quickly. “We decided to come out as gay then break up so no one would ship us anymore.”

“I’m not breaking up with Stan or Cartman. For one thing, that involves dating one of them.” Kyle sighed. For a second, he’d actually let himself hope Tweek had a good idea.

“So come out as gay and say you like someone else.” Craig suggested this like it was the easiest task imaginable. _Gay people_ struggled to come out as gay. Kyle really didn’t want to have to come out.

Kyle opened his mouth to flatly reject the idea, then all the thought put into establishing Tweek and Craig’s relationship hit him. Craig was right. He didn’t get harassed anymore, and the whole town was trying to subsidize him hanging out with his best friend.

He just needed a boyfriend.

\---

“Date me.”

“What?”

“I need a pretend boyfriend.”

“Everyone’s going to think you’re cheating on me with Cartman. I have a rep to protect.”

“No, you don’t! None of the girls will talk to you!”

Kenny slammed his locker shut and eyed Kyle warily. “What would this entail?”

“Nothing! It’s so easy! Just hold my hand in the halls, and we can hang out one-on-one more and make them look like dates.”

“What do I get out of it?”

“Putting your friend out of his suffering?”

“Not good enough.” Kenny swung his bag around his shoulders and smirked at Kyle. “You realize every moment I spend dating you is a moment I’m not dating a girl?”

Kyle stomped his foot. He had horribly petulant habits that were relics of his temper tantrum days. “All the girls hate you!”

“All the girls at _this_ school hate me.”

Cartman, looking no better than he had the day before, turned down the hall with a very apologetic Butters holding all his books. Kyle grabbed Kenny’s hand urgently. “Look, dude, I’ll make it just as fun as dating a girl. But, instead of getting to make out, you don’t have to pay for any of our dates. Fair?”

Kenny peered over Kyle’s shoulder, and Kyle could only assume he had made eye contact with Cartman. Kenny glanced down at his hand in Kyle’s and frowned guiltily. Kyle was expecting a long speech convincing him to give Cartman a chance if he clearly cared so much, but Kenny just grinned and squeezed his hand. “You pay. We can play the making out part by ear.”

Kyle had forgotten that, between the two of them, he was the only one who went on long-winded speeches.

“Deal.”

\---

Kyle wished he could punch the “I told you so” look off Craig’s face as he walked into the cafeteria with his fingers intertwined with Kenny’s, but he was supposed to be enjoying the bliss of new love. Not punching people and screaming.

They stood in the middle of the cafeteria together. Craig watched eagerly from his spot next to Tweek; if Kyle was actually following their advice, it was time to unveil Craig’s masterpiece. Kenny was looking at Kyle with expectant amusement, and that was enough to tell Craig it was coming. He was so excited he practically mouthed the words along with Kyle.

“I cannot lie to myself anymore,” Kyle announced loudly with no attempts to conceal his irritation. He recited Craig’s script perfectly, and it was possible the boy had never been so proud. “Yes, I am gay, but I am not in love with Stan nor Cartman. Some people do not belong together, and it would not work.”

Kenny was giggling madly by the time Kyle’s finished Craig’s carefully chosen words. He gave Craig a nod that he hoped communicated his appreciation for the speech without disclosing that he only enjoyed it because he had been making fun of it to Kyle for hours.

“What the hell’s up with Kenny?” Clyde asked finally, not understanding his role in Kyle’s speech. Stan and Cartman both looked too stunned and confused to respond.

“We are in love. He is my boyfriend.” A robot couldn’t sound more stilted than Kyle did at that moment.

Kenny cheerfully wrapped an arm around Kyle’s waist and flipped off Craig. “Did you guys enjoy your one day as the South Park Elementary It Couple?”

Cartman was staring down at his plate forlornly during Kenny’s public displays of affection, but when he looked back at Kyle, he just seemed tired and perplexed. “But… my stuff…”

It honestly hurt Kyle’s heart to see him like this. It was like a forest fire had burnt out, but he didn’t have time to react before Stan stood up angrily from his table with Clyde and Token and was in front of the new “couple” in an instant. “Dude, fuck yourself. Our girlfriends broke up with us yesterday. Show some respect.” He rounded on Kenny. “And you, dude. I stepped over you in the hallway yesterday! Are you just playing for every team that will take you?”

Stan stopped his tirade to give them a final glare before leaving the cafeteria without clearing his tray from the table. After a silence that seemed to last decades, Butters turned to Clyde and exclaimed, “Wow! Did ya see how jealous he was?”


End file.
